you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
