my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
