she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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