I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
