I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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