woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
