It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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