Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
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