one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
