My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
