It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
