oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
