My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
