you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
