I heard we made out
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
