I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
