If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Randomize
