I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
