Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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