I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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