Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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