I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
