I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
