New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
