Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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