I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
