I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
home. puking in laundry basket.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
