He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
