I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Randomize
