Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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