i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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