I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
