this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
