My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
