I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
