Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
