Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
