Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
