Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
