He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
