I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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