It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
