The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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