oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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