Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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