He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
