I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
