OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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