y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
