you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
