We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
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